Yesterday I had to depart from a loved one of old, a friend and soul mate that I will indeed wish to meet in the future.

Strangely I feel quite strong, in past relationships I have fallen to bits when they were over, however this time I don't feel that way.

I awoke a new person this morning. I feel like I have grown up a little, maybe more wiser.

Stopping playing victim was indeed an important progression. I realised that their really is not anything wrong.

Had a HIV TEST YESTERDAY....await the results nextweek.. It was part of my total health objective. I really got tested for siphilis and hepititus etc...ALL CLEAR..

In new relationships I have always insisted on a HIV test first.

Normalising my thoughts is part of my progression. Seeing things as they are and not glorifying a situation or boosting it to place me in an unreality is important.

No more escaping!

So im all alone in my lovely house. We both moved in together. Thats the saddest part. It was all too intense. Too fast. Groundrules were not layed down. It seemed that the relationship was about personal progression and as we are both very individual, we often clashed on the most silliest of issues.

Its the first time I have ever had the strength to end a relationship. Funny I love this girl dearly but is love enough reason to be together? I don't know! maybe its a space issue. Maybe I can't get into relationship.

Do I have relationship problems....

The answer is definately YES. I seem to fall out of friendship easy. My father left when I was a child, I was often confused by his continuous disapearence. However it made me know that it is possible to leave someone that you love.

So now I feel that I need to continue with my personal progression. I need to explore the world, make music, keep sane.

Easy..

I want an easy chilled out life, a life where my actions are not contiuously challenged, a life where I am accepted as me and not have the need to show myself as something else.

Inside im feeling a kind of inner peace, although I feel terrible that I had to end the relationship. You never know how things will flow, thats the beauty of life, full of strange wonders that captivate the soul and inhance the awareness of ones internal guide.

Ive learnt to totally control my emotions. Loss used to be my biggest fear. I would actually be in a situation purely because my fear of a loss, of a good thing, was the driving force.

Now I have no fear of loss, I see the departure from someone or something, a wonderful farewell and a thank you for all the wonders that was PRESENTed to me.

Ive ammended this enty as I believe I got abit too personal... something that I said I would not do!

BACK